Home > Chuma Ilale!, Relationships, Women > Things she should never find out

Things she should never find out

Things are moving along with your woman, straight to serious territory.

Certain conversations start creeping into your casual conversation: she is curious how much you spend on the weekends watching the English premier League, why your best only wears his wedding ring half the time and why you are always on the computer late into the night. As usual, your answers are pretty simple (a few hundred bob; he is cheating; and you’re addicted to porn) but its not always smart to tell her the truth.

There is technically no limit to what you can share with your girlfriend, but there are some things that should always be kept secret. A chic has her skeletons she should keep hidden in her closet (assuming there’s room) and a guy has to keep his mouth tightly sealed about certain parts of his life.

Actual conquest count

 You’re probably proud of your list of sexual conquests. You should be- after all you don’t amount to much in the looks department.

But while it’s one thing to brag to friends about it isn’t something to tell your partner about, and like most women, she is going to ask. You can give a rough estimate, but she doesn’t need exact dates, names and circumstances.

Leave out one night stands and drunken hook-ups after your team was beaten. The total number you divulge will get five to ten people added in her mind whether it’s true or not. The more she thinks you’ve slept around the more she will assume you are sexually dirty and off course- and she might be right. At least put her mind at ease and get tested. When you’re revealing your past, take note of our seven-11 rule.

For the benefit of those ignorant, the rule gives men a way out when asked the number of partners they have had. The dilemma for the man is that if he mentions a very low number, she’ll think he’s inexperienced. If too high, she’ll think he’s a male whore!

The seven-11 rule states that if you have slept with less than seven, round it up to seven, round it up to seven. If more than 11 round it down to that number.

 Where your money goes

Your finances are separate- for now. If you end up taking the plunge you will probably share a bank account. Until that point, it’s fine if she knows your approximate salary and a few of your monthly bills but she doesn’t need to know where your extra cash goes each month. She doesn’t have to know how much money you spend on activities like hanging out with friends, gadgets or football. It will become an issue when money is tight or when she wants you to start saving for the future. Keep her in the dark about your monthly payments at all costs.

Parental dependency

Mom and dad still do things for you- after all you might be the only son or their last born. Not because you cant handle them yourself, but because they offer and you take them up on it. Every man depends on his parents for something in life; whether it’s a financial stipend or laundry, food or even shelter.

These are all dirty secrets you will want to keep from your girlfriend. She wants a man who can take care of her and not go running to mummy when he is broke or when he can’t that fresh press into his dress shirt. If you aren’t a big boy who can do everything for yourself, at least act like you’ve got your life under control. Then tell mum to stop writing cute notes on the food she leaves  in your fridge or ask her to stop asking if the laundry has ben done yet. It’s a dead give away.

Fears, weaknesses

We all have them.  It could be the sight of blood, noises in the dark, fear of showering or the sound of a dentist’s drill. It’s what makes us human. It’s fine if your woman figures this out on her own, but don’t admit all the things that make you cry like a little boy. You must appear invincible and bullet proof.

You are her knight in shining armour. Who is going to guide her through her occasional freak out? Stay tough. You can freak out when no one is around or when you are with the boys.

Bathroom activities!

Men are oddly proud of what goes on in the bathroom, but make absolutely no mistake; women have no interest at all. They have potty issues of their own to deal with so they don’t need to know the size, aroma or frequency of your trips to the porcelain palace.

They can be left in the dark regarding your man-scaping routine, how much puss you popped from all your back neck and the odd bumps forming around your pocket monster. On second thought, maybe you should keep her in the loop on that last issue.

Take a romantic trip to the free clinic, it might help in the future.

Your friend’s moral shortcomings

Its expected that couples share all the dirty little secrets about their friends. What you tell one person in a couple, you are really telling both.

This is a bad idea as far as your friends are concerned, especially those you hang out with on a regular basis. Do you think she will be cool with you grabbing drinks with your mate who is cheating on his girl? Do you think she will tell you have fun on a weekend trip with your university roommate who told you her blackouts when he drinks?

Don’t let her examine the skeletons in your friends’ closets.  It will just cause her not to like them, not trust them, and will make hanging out with them an impossible task. You will have a hard time convincing her that your friends’ vices aren’t rubbing off on you.

Your cheating past

You made mistakes in the past. You cheated on girlfriends and lovers and might have enjoyed it. Yet, this is a clean slate. You might mess up again, but then again, why not give yourself the benefit of doubt?

Don’t let her know about past indiscretions. She will think “once a cheater, always a cheater” and always be second guessing you. she will accuse you even when your are 100 per cent innocent. She will carry around the doubt like a priceless gold chain forever.

Memorabilia of your ex

Guys don’t decorate, or at least not on purpose. Most of the things in your home were purchased by an ex-girlfriend. If they weren’t bought with her money, then she was probably around when you made the purchase.

There are also some of her old clothes jammed in a drawer, CD and DVDs from her collection and little reminders of her around the place that you just haven’t got around to throwing away. They don’t mean anything to you anyway. The same cant be said of your woman.

The moment she finds out that something in your place is connected to an ex-fling she immediately wants that item out of sight, mind and into a large recycling bin. Pretend everything you own is actually yours and not leftovers from your past loves.

Memories of your ex

Do you need to know every gripe she has with her ex-boyfriend or how they would do the crossword before breakfast?

She doesn’t need to know every detail (good or bad) of your past relationships like she is catching up on an episode of Desperate Housewives. If something reminds you of an ex, keep that story or memory in your head and don’t let it creep out of your mouth.

Your woman will either think you are still hung up on your ex or that she isn’t as much fun. The past is the past. Why aren’t you still your ex if the memories were so wonderful? Oh right, you told her you cheated spent all your money on video games, and made her look at your toilet bowl accomplishments. You might have just dug your own grave!

Watching- Highlights of the NIgeria Vs Greece game

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