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Does your MP tell it to you as it is?!

I am an avid reader of the ‘Crazy Monday’ pullout of the Standard Newspaper, so I was very amused when I came across an article about a local MP who is known to hit the nail on the head. And my day was made courtesy of the article. After a good day, I decided to write a blog about it, and with some additions of my own, came up with these!

‘’Fellow thieves, land grabbers, murderers, fornicators, all sorts of con men, drug peddlers, pickpockets, rapists, all traffic offenders, the few decent citizens present, all protocols observed.

I’m not really honored to be here, actually I am wondering why I am here! I highly think I will fire my PA for scheduling my day for such a wasteful activity!! Obviously, neither do I know why you are gathered here.
I am told though that the activist, actually, the thug who organized this rally is a friend of someone who went to university with a fellow who campaigned for me in the last general election. My campaigner apparently begged my personal assistant to cajole me to be here! I therefore agreed to attend on realizing that I will be on the 9 pm prime time bulletin.
The speech I am reading you was also prepared by the so called activist, who made sure that my PA sneaked it to me once I stood up to say something. Next time I hope that my PA, if I don’t end up firing him, will at least proof read what the thug wrote. Lakini why on earth should I read his speech pretending that its mine?! Haiya, he is also as corrupt as us the waheshimiwas, so wacha niseme!

Gentlemen and ladies, I have never seen and heard a choir as pathetic as the one that just performed. Someone honestly thought that those tuneless wananchi would entertain me?!
Alafu did you have to drag these innocent school children here! Those high school boys and girls are busy tuning each other, gossiping about their pedophile teachers who were lazy enough to send them to such a useless gathering!

Sasa, here is the deal. This thug and his suitcase, err..i mean his briefcase NGO’s are not here to help you. There goal is to use your name and goodwill to become rich! Ati he’s cheating you that you’ll be cooking with bio-gas? Ha! I bet he hasn’t told you that you need cow dung from five well fed cows, which none of you have, isn’t that not feasible?
Sad thing is that as soon a I cut the tape to inaugurate this project, the cameras will flush and I will get my spot on the prime time news tonight.The thug will get a nice picture and a newspaper article for his donor bosses back in Canada. And you poor wananchi will get nothing, safe for a sore backside.’’

You can imagine how life would have been if all our waheshimiwas were blunt and honest like the one above!

In other stories making headlines, why would any one waste good land and roads on the dead? Ask the Nairobi city council and you will probably be told something to do with a ‘suitable soil profile, and that the said land be in close proximity of an all-weather road!!’ If you haven’t picked, I am talking about the hullabaloo that has engulfed the new proposed cemetery for Nairobi.
In old days some communities simply slaughtered a bull, dug a little hole in your hut, wrapped your remains in a cowhide, buried you in a seated position, washed down the bull’s meat with alcoholic beverages and moved on to look for the next meal for the week.

And while reading on some rule book for wise lads, ‘Spotting false boobs’, I scratched my big head to pain. How on earth does a guy tell that a Chiquita has a fake couple? Made me think, how about the us who are into those growths, we are literally blinded when we see a mama’s chest! Ati I am supposed to look for an unnatural curve, and eureka, they are probably enhanced! I say I will go for testing them instead; cuddling and sucking them should definitely work!

Now playing- Usinibore- By Just A Band

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Categories: aids, Only in Kenya
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